How Did I Get Here?

Today marks my one month Trailversary. It seems unreal that I’ve been out here for that long. Looking back on pictures from the trail so far, Georgia went by so fast and North Carolina/ Tennessee seems to be dragging its’ feet. But, Virginia is knocking on the door.

Sometimes it seems like a dream. As something I’ve wanted for so long, I find myself wondering how I got here. There were so many steps to take, so many doors to close, but somehow I’m here. The time leading up to the trail came so fast. What gave me that final push to go for my biggest dream?

Heartbreak. Lots of it.

I’ve gone back and forth as to whether I should share my story: My heartbreaks, my losses. But, I think it’s important for all of us to share our story. Somehow speaking the words over and over creates healing. Eventually, after the story has been told so many times, it doesn’t seem like your story anymore. They are just words spoken that used to apply, but don’t cut as deep anymore. Instead, it becomes a comeback story. It rests behind you and you’re able to say:

“I overcame that”.

“I did that”.

“I’m so thankful for the hurt”.

“I can move on”.

So here goes nothing…

A majority of my relationships have ended with my partner not being faithful. None hurt more than when my marriage ended the same way. The person I trusted the most with my broken heart and that knew my history, blindsided me with more of the same.

Trust broken. Faith questioned. Feelings of never being enough for anyone.

What made the divorce worse, was the ease at which he was able to move on. There was no fighting for my heart or begging for forgiveness. Just a dusting off of the hands, an ‘oh well, it didn’t work’ and an excitement for a new life with a new woman: a do over.

I was replaceable.

With each significant date and every new milestone in his life so soon after our divorce: an engagement, a marriage, a baby, I sank lower and lower to a dark place. I felt sorry for myself. I was mad at God. I felt like I lost everything.

The loss of my dog, Dungy was my rock bottom point.

Dungy was always my best bud, but after my divorce, he became my closest companion. He gave me a reason to get up and go outside and a reason to come home from work. When friends and family couldn’t help with the sorrow, he was there- nose in my face, licking my tears and forcing me to smile.

When Dungy got sick and I knew his time was drawing to an end, I felt a huge amount of guilt. He had been the thing holding me back from hiking the trail and now it wouldn’t be a problem anymore.

That guilt and the subsequent loneliness after his death, left me feeling numb from the past year with the divorce and his death.

When the numbness wore off, I didn’t want to feel the hurt, so I began to drink. It was the only thing that would temporarily keep me from feeling the hurt.

But after a while, it wasn’t enough. I had to face it. I had a choice. I could stay in that dark place forever or I could move. I was missing something.

In that time of my lowest of lows, when I didn’t feel like I would ever be enough, I felt a strong pulling and a message. “You will always be enough for Me. I made you. You are wonderfully and perfectly made.”

Thank God for that!

In the darkness, when we feel so alone, that is where we find God.

When your life feels like a bad country music song; when we’ve lost everything; when things seem hopeless; when we don’t understand- He is always there. So faithful. So true.

I don’t know why these things happened to me, but I know I’m where God wants me right now. My faith is so much stronger because I know no matter what turmoil I face, I will always have someone that wants my heart more than anything.

I’ve learned so much through all of this, but mostly that there is living in the loss and healing in the hurt.

When you’re knee deep in the crumminess, take heart. One day you’ll look back, be thankful for the hurt and realize how far you’ve come!