Because, this.

My tan lines and daily aches and pains have faded. The never-ending grind of: walk, eat, sleep, repeat is now what I miss the most in life.

And the resounding question of how it’d feel to touch that sign and be an honest-to-goodness, real life thru hiker, has now been answered.

The trail flew by too fast. Extremely fast.

I wish I was starting all over again.

I have moments when I’m jolted into the reality of it all- It wasn’t a daydream. It really happened.

Most of the trip is shrouded in fog, just like the first day on Springer Mountain.

I’m so thankful I kept a journal along the way. It surprises me how much I’ve already forgotten.

For instance, on day four of the trail, I wrote:

“Hiker Hunger is really starting to kick in. Sooo hungry!!!!”

Ha! Oh, Lindsey….That’s cute… you have no idea what’s coming for you and how big your desire for food will grow.

In all fairness, most of my entries are about food and a friendly reminder as to why I still can’t eat peanut butter or tortillas. I wrote:

“Peanut butter, jelly, and almond m&m’s on a tortilla?!?! I might be a genius.”

Please excuse me while I gag now…

It was a year ago (February 14, 2018) that I started this life changing journey- a year ago that I signed my name as thru hiker #102 for 2018.

It was before I was Zoom Zoom;

Before I knew what it truly meant to be soaked to the bone;

Before I knew what it was like to eat my body weight in Starbursts;

Before I understood the complete beauty of the trail ahead of me.

I remember the stomach-churning butterflies that day; the excitement to get going; the last minute doubt placed in my head by the shuttle driver; the uncertainty when I weighed my pack; the last minute confidence-building phone call to my dad and the desperate prayer I said just before taking off.

The fear of failing swirled in my head as I climbed the steps at Amicalola Falls, but the peace of knowing I was right where I belonged pushed at my back and kept me climbing- all 600ish steps.

The years leading up to this hike had required so much sacrifice. This dream had been placed on the back burner numerous times and I had doubts I would get the opportunity to attempt it. Looking back, that struggle to get to Amicalola- to go all-in, was what kept driving me throughout the hike. I’d given up so much. How could I quit?

Every inch of the trail represented an obstacle I overcame to get there. Every part of the trail mattered because I sacrificed so much to get the chance.

Not high snow, high emotions or even a high bug-to-human ratio would keep me from crawling to Katahdin.

Interwoven into those sacrifices and determination, I can clearly see God’s plan for me.

That’s the thing about sacrifice. It’s terribly gut wrenching in the moment. You can’t see the future manifested from it yet. It creates panic and reason to ask God: “When? What for? Why me? Why now? Why, Lord, why?” But, the answer received in the future is simple:

“Because, this.”

This Good work being done takes just that…work.

And time, struggle, uncertainty and the capacity to receive it.

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.” ~ Romans 5:3

All that bad stuff creates perseverance, character and hope that opens the door for the unthinkable- to run that race set before us. And win.

Many times I’ve wished I could have done the trail earlier in life. But the truth is, I don’t think I would have finished. I needed those years to learn longing- So much longing to get to Maine.

Those years of waiting developed a deep desperation that I carried with me to reach Katahdin at all costs. In turn, I can look back over events in my life and understand the “When? What for? Why me? Why now? Why, Lord, why?”

It was because I was learning the traits that would lead me to success. Why did all that happen? Because, He was planning this.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Your ‘because, this’ could mean a child after multiple miscarriages or compassion for others after a loved one dies. Your ‘because, this’ could be a successful business after years of struggling financially or the opportunity to live out your dreams after a heartbreak. It could be joy and peace after never ending unhappiness and torment.

Your unique ‘because, this’ is a story others need to hear to motivate them to hold on a little longer too. Share your ‘God moments’ with those around you. Whether they want to hear it or not, maybe it’ll be the jumpstart to notice their ‘because, this’ moments too. It’s uncomfortable at times and hard for me to do, but how can I keep to myself this wonderful Truth that I’ve seen firsthand?

I want you to know what God has done and continues to do in my life. I’ve been through some hard times, but He has used those hard times for good. Even you, who’ve gone through much worse than I- Your victory and comeback story Will. Be. Amazing.

Hold on. It’s coming.

Sometimes it doesn’t take long to see why things happened the way they did. Other times it takes years or even decades. We may never understand in this lifetime.

As believers, when we reach heaven, we’ll see our reward. We’ll have our ‘now I get it’ moment. We won’t have to ask why all that pain; awkwardness; misplacement and longing. Just two words uttered by a familiar face with outstretched hands will explain it all: “Because, this.”

There are many that would say they completed the trail just fine without the guidance of God. And I’m sure this is true. I’ve made plenty of decisions based solely off my desires. Those choices turned out ok. I didn’t die. I completed the task.

But, was there meant to be more? Was it all that it could have been? Did I miss out on the full blessing and experience of what it should have been?

Reality check time:

There were moments on trail when I wasn’t at my best. Despite reg flags and caution tape, I took side trails that led me away from God’s best for me. But, for some unimaginable reason, God loves me anyway and will never turn me away when I come crawling back- damaged and bruised.

Just the opposite. He’s there waiting, tapping his foot and asking if I’m ready to let Him do the hard work now.

There’s definitely something beautiful, special and unique to be said about walking in God’s will. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it.

You can see Him. You can feel Him moving. It’s effortless.

There’s joy- Pure joy through the hard times.

You can feel His presence and security all around you. The faith you have will drown out any fear. Not even fear of death. Because, let’s face it, heaven will be WAY better than this place.

Peace says everything will be as it should be. There are stumbles and falls and moments of weakness, but also so much Grace to pull you back up on your feet.

All the strength to endure; all the moments I should have been scared; all the times I was alone. There was a greater power working than my own two feet. It’s an experience I hope for all of you to have- A “Whoa, that’s too amazing to be coincidence” moment.

It’s beautiful.

From the most detailed of prayers for my safety to the simplest: “Lord, help” to singing God’s promises at the top of my lungs through the difficult snow, there’s not a chance I could have endured without relying on my faith.

How do you know whether something is God’s will for your life or not? As an immature Christian, I’m still sorting through that question. There’s a lot of doubt and an unnerving feeling of doing the wrong thing- misguided through my own desires.

A good option is to say a I prayer I said over and over in the months and days leading up to my trip. It helped to ease my uncertainty and anxiety:

“Lord, if it’s not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me peace to not worry about it.”

The complexity of starting a thru hike didn’t seem all that complex. Everything worked out and fell into place with ease including little things. All of these details would seem like nothing unless you experience them for yourself. It all fits.

My trip seemed like a shock and so last minute to some because I was asking God right up until the arch, to take it away; to end it if I shouldn’t be there. Instead of taking it from my grasp, the Lord blessed me- Enormously.

He went before me; He stood behind. (Deuteronomy 31:8) His protection moved mountains and ultimately got me to Katahdin. All that glory that I’d love to claim as my own- belongs to Him.

So, what’s next?

What do you do when you finally check off that ultimate dream on your life list? How can anything compare to that One. Big. Dream?

I’ve spent a lot of time post trail trying to figure out what’s next for me. After such an accomplishment it’s hard to imagine anything topping my life’s biggest dream.

Figuring it out is an understatement- Panic and anxiety provoking is probably more realistic. I really miss the life I had on the trail and I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged to a place more.

Fighting off depression post trail has been a real thing. It’s hard to find the motivation to work towards something that you can’t see and doesn’t exist in your mind.

The AT was the Ultimate Ice Cream Sundae of them all. In fact, my focus was so set on achieving that goal, I never stopped to think about the after affects of achieving a dream like this. Right now, it doesn’t feel like anything will ever top achieving my first big dream.

I’ve struggled post-trail to come up with a new dream; one that contains the same longing and desperation for achievement; a new passion to work towards. I haven’t found it yet.

After coming off such a high and accomplishment of the AT, it’s easy to get caught up in the desire to do something just as big again. To top it, somehow. To get that rush back. Another thru hike is so tempting to get those feelings of accomplishment back. But, I don’t want to go through the motions just because that’s a familiar happy place.

I find myself back at an all-to-familiar place; a place with no clear direction for my future.

After these months of depression, unanswered prayers and having no sense of belonging, I received an encouraging word:

“Move where you’ve been planted.”

Ok, and how does that make any sense? I immediately get the visual of one of those inflatable air dancers you find at a car lot: Head, arms and body flapping in the breeze, but the base doesn’t move. It’s sturdy and planted.

“So, God, You’re saying you want me to just stand here and Bobble-head my way through life with a big smile on my face and act like everything is perfect?”

“Just be still. Just wait. Remember what I’ve already done.”

I’ve been a big proponent of a call to action-getting after it; making a move; starting in one direction- just doing something.

I stand behind that notion. But, I also believe in times like what I’m experiencing now, it’s important to just be still. To wait. To listen. To use that time to grow.

Maybe this point of my life isn’t about chasing, but standing firm- developing my faith; gaining understanding and wisdom; giving and receiving forgiveness; serving and encouraging others; preparing for the next purpose in my life.

When I can throw my crazy air dancer arms up and say “You deal with this, God, because I’m tired of trying to figure it out”, that’s right where He wants me: fully trusting; fully dependent, but fully planted in His promise.

There’s a song by Elevation Worship called ‘Do It Again’. I’m pretty sure this song was written for me, although I can’t prove it. Each time I hear it, I full-on ugly cry. It reminds me that nothing is too big for Him. And He used me- an unconfident, misplaced, broken person to do it. It makes me overwhelmingly grateful.

“Do It Again” ~Elevation Worship

Near the end of the song, the music builds and the lyrics say:

I’ve seen You move, you move the mountains. And I believe, I’ll see You do it again. You made a way, when there was no way. And I believe, I’ll see you do it again. ~Elevation Worship

I relate so much with these lyrics. Literally and figuratively. Normally, mountains and valleys are used figuratively to describes the highs and lows in life. For me, those mountains were physically overcome as well as finding healing from past hurt and grief. He gave me a comeback when I didn’t see a way out. And when those mountains were steep and strenuous and seemed impossible- He made a way.

And now, in a time when I’m clueless about the future, I can confidently say He’ll do it again.

I’ve seen His work. I’ve seen Him move all of those mountains. And I’ll wait in the valley even when my future looks flat, uneventful; even down right boring at the moment. I believe He has something in store for me and He’ll do it again.

Maybe it’ll be years before I see the results of the action or the lack of action I’m taking now. If I’m planted, unwavering and hold tight to the promise and the hope that’s waiting for me and if I learn those traits that will make me successful in the future, then I’ll be ready to receive it when the time comes. I believe in the future, I’ll fully understand my present uncertainty and hear those amazing, affirming words:

“Because, this.”